ONE HUNDRED BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
by Donna McIntosh
Summary: Starsky & Hutch get drunk and have a little fun.


Title: ONE HUNDRED BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL

Author: Donna McIntosh

Fandom: Starsky & Hutch

Rating: NC-117

ONE HUNDRED BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL

"One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer. If

99 bottles happen to fall, one bottle of beer on the wall." The two drunken voices blended perfectly to bring the old drinkers song to a rousing conclusion. Hutch crushed his beer can and threw it in the general direction of the trash can.

"Ha! You missed!" Starsky teased.

"That's cause I'm drunk. Sober, I hit it every time." Hutch slurred his words. "The hell you do! What you need is a little practice. Here. Watch an expert!" Starsky crushed his can and tossed it towards the trash. He got a little too much elevation and the can landed right-side-up sitting on the cupboard. Hutch roared with laughter!

"You didn't even. come close!"

"Whadda ya mean! I saw the trash was over-flowing so decided at the last min­ute to set the damn thing on the cupboard!" Starsky attempted a quick recovery. "All right, hot shot! Let's see you do that again!" "Well, I could but I don't have another can. Go get me another beer." Starsky leaned back on the couch. Damn it was good having three whole days off!

"Go get your own. The last time I went, I didn't walk too good." Hutch giggled. "You sure didn't." Starsky snickered. "The way you were sashaying around in there, I thought you were doing a new dance!"

"Damn, I'm tired," Hutch said rubbing his blood-shot eyes. "Why don't you sleep over. I'm in no condition to walk you to the door!" That seemed to both of them the funniest thing they'd ever heard and they fell in each others arms laughing.

"Great idea," Starsky said between choked laughter. "I'll take the bed, you

Genre: Slash

Disclaimer: Not mine. Wish they were.

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can have the couch." He lurched to a standing position and started for the bedroom.

"Oh no you don't! S'my apartment. I'll take the couch! You can have the bed!" Hutch grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back down on the couch. "If you insist." Starsky agreed.

"Here's some pillows..." Hutch gathered a couple of throw pillows that were on the couch, reaching behind himself and across Starsky which wasn't too easy to

do in his condition. He Propped them, or tried to prop them on top of each other at the end of the couch. They kept falling off.

"S'OK." Starsky said agreeably. "Sleep right here." He lowered himself to the floor and managed to draw one pillow up under his head. Now all Hutch had to do was climb over him and make it into the bedroom. NO WAY! He tripped and landed on top of Starsky.

"Wa is this, some kind of klutsy pass?" Starsky tried to help him up but they were both too drunk, and the two of them dissolved into giggles again. "Whaddya mean, klutzy pass!" Hutch was indignant. "Man, if I made a pass at you, you'd know it!" He managed a sitting position beside Starsky. "Gimme one of those," He grabbed the pillow Starsky had underneath his head. Starsky found another one and they settled in.

"You're not gonna sleep in the bed?" Starsky asked. "Can't find it."

"Oh." Starsky mumbled. "S'nice here."

"Yeah, s'long as you mind your manners."

"Waddya mean by that crack?" Starsky wasn't quite ready for sleep yet.

"Just behave yourself, and go to sleep." Hutch answered.

"Behave myself? Behave myself?" Starsky pushed himself up to a sitting po­sition. "You're the one who was trying to make some kind of pass. Though I'd hardly dignify it by calling it a pass!"

"What the hell you talking 'bout?" Hutch asked sleepily.

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"You got a lesson or two to learn in the ole romance department, Blondie!" "Shit!" Hutch gave his learned opinion on the subject, then shoved Starsky back down. "Go to sleep."

"'K" Starsky agreed and snuggled down next to him. "S'only teasing, Hutch. Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad, Starsk. I love you." He put an arm around Starsky and drew him in closer.

"Love you too, Hutch." Starsky murmured up against his chest. "S'great having three whole days off, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Hutch kissed the top of his head. "S'gonna be great!"

Starsky changed his position a little and brought his face up against Hutch's. He kissed him on the cheek.

"Mmmmm. Nice." Hutch said sleepily.

"Um hmmmn." Starsky answered, turning Hutch's face towards him and kissing him lightly on the lips. Starsky's stomach revolted against him just then and he let out a loud belch.

"Starsk!" Hutch yelled and doubled up laughing. "Talk about klutzy! I've had good-night kisses before that weren't all that great, but that one had to take the cake!"

Starsky sat up, his dignity bruised. "S'not my fault you been feeding me beer all night!" He pouted.

Hutch pulled him back down in his arms. "For Pete's sake! Go t'sleep, will ya?" Starsky laid back down, his head resting on Hutch's chest. It had been a warm night and the shirt Hutch was wearing was unbuttoned almost to the waist.

Starsky rested his cheek against the smooth skin at the shirts opening. "S'nice." he mumbled more to himself than to Hutch.

"Hmmm?"

Starsky ran his hand inside the shirt and caressed the soft skin. "You got nice skin."

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"Got lots of it. All over my body." He did his best Johnathan Winters. They both laughed. Starsky unbuttoned the last few buttons on Hutch's shirt and pulled it free from his jeans and out of the way. Now then, he was able to caress Hutch with both hands.

"You've got style, Boy. Ya know that?" Hutch was enjoying the somewhat clumsy massage.

"'course. I've been trying to tell ya. Though most of my bed partners have

a little more up here!" He put a big hickey under Hutch's right nipple. "Hey!" Hutch squirmed under him. "Cut that out!"

Starsky laughed; enjoying the game. "You just can't take it can you, Blondie!" He made a trail of little love bruises down Hutch's side. "Stop!"' Hutch demanded but Starsky had him on his back with all his wieght leaning on him. There was no way he could free himself. Starsky let up. "One of these days, Hutch. I'll give you a few lessons and you can be as cool as me!" Starsky was a generous soul! "Cool! You big dummy! You wouldn't know what to do with a girl if she fell right in your lap!" Hutch was struggling to sit up. After several tries, he made it.

"Come on now, Hutch. You know my track record with the ladies is unsur-passed." The last word was punctuated with a large belch in the middle. "Starsk ... Starsk..." Hutch couldn't think of a comeback. Starsky took it as a victory.

"Ya see, Hutch. With a body like mine and my cool savoir---savior...you know what I mean. There's just no human alive who could resist me!" Modesty was not one of Starsky's virtues.

"That body of yours?" Hutch laughed. "Don't make me laugh! I've seen better

-5-

looking bodies in a morgue!"

Starsky was outraged! He ripped his shirt off over his head. "I gotta beautiful body! And you damn well know it! Yer just jealous!" "Who in their right mind would want to snuggle up with all that?" He gave the hair on Starsky's chest a pull. "You look like a bear!"

"Wadder you talking about! You crazy or something? That's one of my best features!"

"If that's one of your best features, buddy, you're in trouble!"

"You're just jealous cause your chest is bald as a baby's bottom!" Starsky came back. "Everyone knows a hairy chest is a sign of masculinity." Starsky fluffed his chest hair proudly. "Ain't a gal been born could resist it!" "I got a clue for you, pal! Hairy chests aren't what a gal looks for in a guy."

guy' ,1

"What kind a crack is that?"

"S'not a crack. Just the plain truth. If you got it where it counts, you don't need all that... that fuzz."

"Are you trying to say I don't have it where it counts?" "You said it, buster. I didn't!"

"You gotta be out of your mind! I got the best looking equipment..." "Cock."

"Huh?"

"I think the word you were looking for was cock." Hutch offered.

"That's right! I got the best looking cock in California. Probably in the whole world. Or so I've been told," he added modestly.

"Some guys will believe anything!" Hutch shook his head disbelievingly.

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"You don't believe me?" Starsky challenged. How could Hutch doubt him? He stood up on his knees and proceeded to undo his pants.

"Come on, Starsk. I've seen you before and quite frankly, I've seen a lot better." Hutch sneered.

"Oh no you haven't! You've never seen me ready for action!" He proceeded to jack himself up to an erection.

"For Christ's sake, Starsk!" Hutch laughed. "What do you think you're gonna do with that little thing, even if you do manage to get it up?" "Maybe just stick it up your sweet little ass!" Starsky answered back. "Yeah," Hutch was rolling with laughter at the sight of his partner there on his knees, pants down, jacking himself furiously. "You and what ten other guys?"

"Oh, so you like orgies? I never knew that." Checking his cock he managed to get fully erect, he showed it proudly to Hutch.

"There! Ever see anything like that before?"

"Sure." Hutch answered trying to sound bored. "In the showers at junior high. "

"It's a hell of a lot better than that skinny little thing you got!" Starsky insisted.

"Now wait just a minute here!" Things were getting serious.

Hutch climbed up to his knees and assumed the position. He unzipped his jeans and took his cock out.

"Ha! See what I mean?" Starsky pushed his up next to Hutch's to compare. "That's not fair, Starsk. Give me a minute." Hutch began jacking and in a few minutes he had an erection that was indeed longer than Starsky's.

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"See?" he announced haughtily.

Starsky still didn't believe it. He moved up close so they were touching. "You're just higher up then me, that's all."

"That's what being bigger is all about, Starsk!"

"You're not bigger! Anyway's not so's it'd make any difference. And yours is skinner than mine. Mine's much better looking." Starsky insisted. "S'too fat. Just like you." Hutch said calmly looking Starsky's erection over carefully.

"It ain't either." Starsky pouted.

Awwww Hutch had hurt his feelings.

"There's nothing to be upset about, Starsk." Hutch immediately tried to

mend the hurt. "It's a nice cock. There's no doubt about it." He stroked it gently.

Starsky's eyes brightened. "Ya really think so?" He worked his hips against Hutch's hand.

"Yeah. S'OK." Hutch grinned.

"Yours ain't too skinny either." Starsky caressed the long; slim cock. "It's nice, if you like that kind."

They knelt there stroking each other, grinning like a couple of drunks they were.

"Feel good?" Hutch asked.

"Yeah. How about you?"

"Mmmmmmm. Hutch answered and with his free hand he pulled Starsky closer to him. Starsky did the same. Their mouths met in a awkward kiss. They kissed again. This time more sure of themselves. They frenched each other deeply

-8­-

for a few minutes. That was all they could take. They melted into a perfect 69 as though they were born to the position. Neither of them lasted long and they resumed their positions side by side on the pillows. "Night, Starsk."

"Night, Hutch."

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Hutch awoke stiff and needing to go to the bathroom bad! What in the world

was he doing on the floor? And what was Starsky still doing here?

He headed for the bathroom and after relieving himself, headed for the bedroom. He pulled back the covers and climbed in. It was great not to have to set the alarm clock. A few minutes later the toilet flushed and Starsky crawled in beside him.

"You staying over?" Hutch asked.

"Mmmmm. OK?"

"Sure."

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Starsky came to with an enormous hardon. He rubbed it and turned over. Laying on it sometimes helped.

"You gonna sleep all day?"

It was Hutch's voice! What was he doing here?

"Huh?" Starsky opened his eyes and stared into Hutch's. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here, remember?"

Starsky looked around and found himself in Hutch's bed. Hutch was pulling on some jeans and a shirt. "Starsk. I had the most incredible dream last night.

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If I told you, you'd never believe me." He laughed and walked into the

living room. Starsky followed him sleepily, rubbing his eyes. "Huh?" Hutch had stopped midway into the room and stood staring at the two pillows side by side on the floor next to a pile of clothes. Starsky saw it too. Memory flooded back to both of them at the same time. Their jaws dropped open and they stared at each other. Starsky whirled around and ran into the bathroom. Hutch roared with laughter! "What'sa matter, Starsk? Where's your cool now?"

Starsky emerged a few moments later, a towel wrapped modestly around him to hide his stubborn erection that refused to go down no matter how much cold water Starsky splashed on it. He walked sheepishly over to his pile of clothes. Hutch folded his arms and kept laughing.

"What's so funny?" Starsky asked pulling on his jeans. It's amazing how a tattered pair of jeans could restore ones dignity. Hutch got a quick glimpse of Starsky's frontal protrusion and felt an immediate response in the same area.

"Nothing." he said quickly. "That had to have been one hell of a scene!" Starsky saw the humor in it then and joined Hutch's laughter.

The awkwardness had passed and they fell onto the couch laughing till the tears were running down both their faces.

"I take back everything I said about you, Starsk. You are definitely cool!" "Yeah, I know." Starsky agreed. "You aren't so bad yourself." They controlled themselves a bit and caught their breath. "It was kind of nice, wasn't it?" Hutch leaned on an elbow on the back of the couch and

propped his head up.

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"Yeah," Starsky grinned in agreement. "I gotta admit, you're pretty good." "Pretty good?" Hutch questioned. "Is that all I get? Pretty good?" He wiped the tears from his face.

"Well, I was drunk at the time you took advantage of me. That's as much as I can remember."

"I took advantage of you?" Hutch yelled. "I'll take advantage of you in a minute!" He grabbed Starsky by the shoulders and shook him. "Promise?" Starsky smiled wickedly up at him.

"Promise." Hutch answered and brought their mouths together.

"Mmmmmmm…"

r

"We got three whole days, Starsk. What are we gonna do with three whole days?"

"We'll just have to think of something, partner."

They walked into the bedroom, arms around each other. Hutch reached over and jerked the telephone plug from the wall.

"You're right, Starsk. We'll have to think of something!"

THE END


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